Suarez (continued)

Far be it from me to flog the proverbial deed horse, but when the horse in question is that cheval-faced cuntrag, Luis Suarez, giz a cat of nine tails, an Indiana Jones bullwhip, a birch, ruler, a baseball bat, and smoke me a fucking kipper. I'll be back in a few hours.

So there I was, sitting watching the match wondering whether or not Patrice Evra would shake Suarez's hand. Patrice Evra extends his hand, obviously wishing to be the bigger man (at 5' 9", not an opportunity he regularly gets) and to my absolute amazement, that amateur goalkeeping rodent Suarez refused to reciprocate.

To say I was shocked and disgusted, would be a massive understatement. How low can this dickhead sink? I'm so so glad that Man U beat the horrible racist twats. I also particularly enjoyed Evra celebrating right in front of Esther Suarez Rantzen's ignorant face. If only he'd managed to backhand him while doing so, my joy would have been immense.

Then we get to the post match interview. The BBC one was shit, and the reporter utterly bottled it with Dalglish. I saw it on MoTD and was a bit disappointed with it. The Sky reporter fucking gave it to the shifty Scottish bellwrap with both barrels and Dalglish had the temerity to get the hump with him and claim that he hadn't seen the lack of handshake, or hadn't heard about it. Kenny, stop talking bollocks. It was obvious from the beginning of the interview that you were shitting yourself. Why not be a man about it and confess? Like you wouldn't have heard about the scuffle at half time, or heard mention of the incident in the changing rooms. Bog off, you lying cunt. Once again, you're turning a blind eye to racist behaviour. You might as well be on the terraces doing monkey impressions yourself. You should all be hauled over the coals for this outrage.

Later on, Luis Suarez issued an 'apology' for his behaviour and how he's let the team and himself down. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Empty words coming from a horrible racist little foghorn. I bet it sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown when it came out of your mouth. WAH WAH WAAAAH WAH WAH WAH! Too little, too late, you ballbag. He should be banned from football forever, and so should that racist apologist Kenny Dalglish.

Where's the apology to Patrice Evra? We're all still waiting. I won't hold my breath though.

Hats off to Rio Ferdinand for refusing to shake Suarez's hand. He gained a lot of respect from me for doing that.

If Suarez ever wants to play football again, he should be forced to apologetically shake the hand of everybody on earth. OR have to play with 2 Hulkamania giant foam hands for the rest of his career.

Spurs vs Newcastle United

The less said about this absolute lesson in tactical errors, the better. I don't even know where to begin with this game. I was hoping that I would be able to gloat about how we smashed Spurs up on their own turf and that Redknapp would be begging to go to jail, but alas, they DESTROYED us.

I'm normally the first person to defend wor Obertoon when the stupid whoppers attack him because it's cool to do so. Or if they get on his back for something that's blatantly not his fault. But he had an absolute 'mare of a game on Saturday. I'm not blaming him entirely for the drubbing. Far from it. Let's not forget that we conceded in the 2nd half too. But his reluctance to track back and cover Bale meant our right wing was completely exposed. Simpson was covering in the centre and time and time again, Assou-Ekotto was steaming down our right hand side like a fucking boss. Obertan was removed at half time and replaced with young Fergie, who, it has to be said, had a better game than alien-cranium.

We were 2-0 down before the defenders had even woken up and realised there was a match going on. I've never seen us so utterly dominated in midfield for a long time. I don't want to make excuses, because although it pains me to say this, Spurs played brilliantly (particularly Adebayor) but we desperately needed the services of Tiote, Raylor and Cabaye in that match.

A quick mention to Perch and Guthrie, who I think have played really well in recent matches. I suspect Pardew will probaby bench Tiote for the first half vs Wolves and give Guthrie another start.

I fully expect us to bounce back against Wolves, and give them a good hiding at SJP. Regardless of whether they have a new manager at the helm or not. It didn't faze us against QPR.

Bindippers vs (alleged) Tax Dodgers

Before I begin, let me mention how much I hate Spurs. I mean HATE. I once removed one of my own socks in a fit of rage, just so I had something to throw at the TV when they were playing.

However, yesterday I had the rare pleasure of supporting those horrible bastards. Simply because they were playing the magnum opus of hated teams. The pinnacle of twatfulness. The apex of cunthood. Liverpool.

I've pretty much always hated Liverpool, but never with the utter ferocity that I loathe them with now. Mostly it was because of matches like the infamous 4-3, where that powerhouse of domestic abuse, Stan Collymore came close to making me rip the TV off the wall in the Duke of Wellington and try to end my own life by swallowing it whole. No mean feat, when you consider that TVs were all CRT in those days. None of this ultra thin LED malarky. Also, I hate the smug sense of entitlement that the fans have always seemed to possess, since their heyday in the 70/80s. Furthermore, the way you can hear their stupid scouse accents when they sing that 'Steve Gerrard Gerrard' song really winds me up. STEEEVE GEDAAAAAAAD GEDAAAAAAD. Ugh.

Somehow, they've managed to make it possible for me to hate them even more. You all know how. That horrible, orthodontists wet dream Suarez racially abused Patrice Evra. Suarez was then found guilty of said racial abuse. He even admitted that he'd called him Negrito a bunch of times, claiming that in Uruguay it's a term of endearment. Then the classy, bindipping, Liverpool fans showed their remorse and regret by booing Evra all the way through the match, chanting 'there's only one lying bastard' at him and doing impressions of monkeys at him. At the end of the match, that horrible apologist for racism, KKKenny Dalglish went out of his way to praise the fans attitude. Steven Gerrard then went on to do the same thing, pigeonholing the entire ordeal as 'banter'.

None of the commentary team even mentioned the utter caning that Evra was receiving, either. Although last night during the Liverpool/Spurs match, they were quick to point out that Suarez was on the receiving end of some 'you know what you are' chants from the away Spurs contingent. Boo fucking hoo.

That melted Madame Tussaud's waxwork Harry Redknapp couldn't make the flight from Landan to Liverpool because of technical difficulties. Given time, I'm sure he could have constructed a papier mache one using the 12 million blank P60s he has stored in his safe at home, but his trusty canine friend ran out of spit after making the first cockpit window. "Fackin' ell, Rosie, you useless cant. Apples and facking pears". Apparently several other flights were delayed, too after reports came flying in that Bagpuss, clearly suffering from cataracts was standing on a runway kicking a bulldog in the head and screaming "I WILL SLOICE YOUR CHEVY ROIGHT AP MOI SAN" at an aeroplane technician, while asking his accompanying lawyer if Nintendo Wii games were tax deductable.

As far as the match goes, it was pretty uneventful and shite. Although I was hoping that Spurs would absolutely decimate Liverpool in front of their baying fans, they didn't manage it. Which, although not perfect, it made the transition to immediately hating them again, that much easier. Thanks, you useless bell ends.

The greatest player in the UNIVERSE, Gareth Bale played shite. He had a 1v1 with Reina and absolutely bottled it. He did nowt else all game. Carroll played shite too. My own choice for 'Man of the Match' would have been Michael Dawson. I thought he had a solid game filling in for the missing Younes Kaboul. Kaboul couldn't play because he was apparently doing PR work for his upcoming Wrestlemania match with John Cena.

Of course, Scott Parker won 'Man of the Match'. He wins it every week, regardless of whether or not he's actually playing. he's just that good. Intertoto cup, bitches. that's how he rolls all day, every day. He does more graft than Suarez's toothbrush. Speaking of Suarez, Parker took his boot in the stomach like a man. In Uruguay, kicking people full force in the stomach with football boots on is a sign of holding someone in the highest regard, possible. Lucky you, Scotty.